Before I kill myself

 

Holding a knife in my hand

Silence is all around in that peculiar room

Ceiling fan rotates slowly

I take a deep breath

Looking at my wrist

Bewildered, confused

 

Yet so much of turmoil inside

Can’t endure this intense pain

What’s easier- life or death ?

This dilemma haunts me like hell

Can’t finding any solace

And then

Close my eyes

Flashback happened

Nothing to be cherished  

I am tired of giving out chances to people

I am tired of being victimised every single time

I am tired of the darkness all around

I am tired of my dashed hopes and aspirations

I am tired of being broken physically and emotionally

I am tired of being betrayed by my own people

I am tired of being bullied by my friends

I am tired of losing out shit every time

I am tired of being judged

I am tired of being oppressed by my friends and family members

I am tired of carrying my heart on my sleeves

I am tired of all my struggles that shatter me badly

This all somersault me into tears

I wonder

Am I not left with any other choice?

Is it too easy to give up?

Or

Am I too easy to give up on others?

And then with a sigh of relief

I tried to cut off all the connections from everyone

But all of a sudden

I imagined my future

And ask myself

What if I die

Am I going out to miss the adventures?

What if I die

Am I going to be missed by my family?

Am I going to be ever remembered ?

Is this kind of life I dreamt of?

Am I too coward to give up on life too easily?

How can I forget the plight of rag pickers, beggars, prostitutes, transgenders, depressed ones, homeless ones?

To name a few

Everyone struggles, though intensity differs

Losing life can never give anyone peace

Its letting others win what they want you to be

a sweet, calm voice whispered into my ears

But don’t forget

It’s your life, my love

You are the creator and master of your life

So many lives to be experienced

So many souls to be touched upon

So much to learn from nature

You are beautiful, weirdo and original

You need love, care and compassion

This is all what you need

I looked myself into the mirror

I smiled

And throw away the knife

Promise myself

Not to take so life so seriously

Eat, pray and love hard

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

ek baar

Aaaye the hasti banker

Ab chale na jaana

Hawa ka jhaunka banker

Badi lambi guftugu karni hai aapse

Mukhtsar na ban jaana tum

Yuhi beech samandar

Saath na chod dena

Numaishein karke

Ehsaan na jat la dena

Ek baar

Zara yaarana jarur nibha dena

Is wajah se

Yeh rooh apka aitbaar jo karti hai

Farebi na ho jaana tum

Un chan faidoo ke liye

Dil ko kheelona na samj lena

Warna qayamat si aa jayegi

Askho mein jo hum beh gaye

Aur tum dekhai bhi nahi diye

fir

Dil aur dimag par humara jor nahi

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Nazroon mein chupa kar rakha tumhe

Zamane ki nazar na lag jaye tumhe

Hume kya pata tha

Humari hi nazar hi lag jayegi

carving her own path

Oh my girl,

Get back to bed time stories

Fairy tales and love stories

Prince rescues a beautiful girl

Her life revolves around household work

And taking care of her man

Wearing a corset

Snatching away her freedom and identity

As she is just merely a beautiful doll

Deprived of her dreams and aspirations to follow

This is how supposedly to live

But

On one fine day,

She changed

For something better

For something worth fighting for

For something wild

She paves her own path

To recreate a history

Her happiness is not relying on anyone else

She manages herself on her own

Her persona is such

She burns like a fire

An indecisive person can’t handle him

So she decides to live life on her own terms and conditions

She believes in equality and love

She takes her destiny into her own hands

She falls but uplifts herself

She cries but knows how to smile even at worse times

When everybody is pointing at her,

She knows how to take criticism in a good spirit

As she is not going to bog down by misogynist thoughts

She learnt to be courageous and witty at a same time

Her giggle can simply take anyone else breath away

Her heart is just pure like a heart

Who doesn’t have any shitty time to play with some one

She focuses on her goals and works on herself

She is a warrior who wears her heart on her sleeve

She is a flower who blossoms and just blossoms

Whose fragrance aroma spread like a wild fire.

She is a mystery to be unfold  by many

Yet discovered by only few

The more you chase her, the more far you go away from her

Her sparkling eyes and bewildered soul is going to made you restless, yet

Crave for her

She is unstoppable and adorable

She is real and dope af

 

 

 

Perks of being a teacher

I have been into teaching since quite a few years officially or informally, I would say. Since childhood, I love explaining things to people because their reactions and how does their body language move just amazes me and I would love to see their sparkling eyes looking out for answers. So, it sounds great though. Isn’t it?

Ideally, it’s not so.  It’s really a difficult job that demands hell amount of dedication, patience and hard work. Since now I am into this, I do have immense reverence for teachers as in my country, it is believed to be very casual and easy going job. But reality is altogether different.  But here, I am not to criticise anyone or would like to highlight the merits of being a teacher. I would rather talk about what change I have experienced once I am into this profession. How my personality has been evolved over the years? I presume it would be an interesting intake. So here we go.

I have been teaching adults who are actually equivalent to or more than my age. So quite pretty much younger lot.  Adding to this, I teach them at all a new language. So they are just oblivious to that and I as a teacher is bearing the brunt of responsibility to realise their dream commanding this language.

Let me get certain things straight,

It requires firstly lot of patience. Even at times, I feel low and irritated whatsoever, I cannot simply express my feelings. I just need to be patient. Then at times, I also need to consider their woes, their problems, in spite of explaining them thousand a times, I just can’t.

May be, patience is a virtue. So I inculcate this habit. Consequently, I became a good listener. Earlier, I just blabber on and on without giving any second thought but now I listen and try to understand situation from all the angles so that at the end, my opinion should be unbiased and neutral.

Just imagine. All light is on you, my love. How would you feel? One tends to become nervous and anxious and it would be hysterical for the ones who would be intimidated by public speaking. Luckily, it never happened with me and this in fact surely boosts my confidence and helps in dealing with people from different backgrounds simultaneously.

Appreciation, love I got, it’s just overwhelming and amazing. My so called young students love me as I am. They are just simply in awe of me. I also make sure that my class atmosphere should be conducive and stress free. So I hardly scold anyone or say anything offensive. This is why they love me genuinely. They love the fact that I am being so humble, polite or down to earth.

But, I would love being sarcastic. Rather than scolding anyone, I would use the tool of words smartly.

You become some sort of giver whose happiness lies in other’s happiness. Before I came into this profession, I never knew that I can ever so forgiving. So far, I have never done any sort of bitching, bad-mouthing or abusing someone verbally, I just simply ignore that person as I cannot invest my precious time dwelling about someone and rendering undue importance to them. Truly, It works. It makes you calm and retains your inner peace as you are unaffected by someone’s behaviour.

The best part about me is my contagious smile. I should not of course boast myself. But this is how I perceive. I never show myself in distress or upset mood rather cheerful, jovial person who motivate others by saying that you need to believe in yourself as we all have potential to realise anything we want.  So love to have a huge fan following J

This is how I see myself that I became such a positive, optimistic person. It’s truly amazing to be a teacher. Even though, one loses hope, I believe into that candle whose light enlightens up whole room and shed away all the darkness.  Your dreams become my dreams.

At the end, this profession has truly left an everlasting and positive impact on my relationships. i have no bloody time to think about negative people or things. I am rather focusing on what I truly have and cherishing that as well. I feel blessed as I can make people smile and happy without any such hidden motive.

Of course, I am looking forward to positive change in me every day.

Good luck.

Love,

like and share your comments please.

 

 

 

 

 

some inspirational stories

Today, I would be talking about my recent visit to Human book library event held in Delhi on last Sunday. This event basically aims at sharing your experiences with others and can have exchange of ideas. There were around 11 people from different backgrounds having their own set of stories to be told.

It was truly an enriching experience as I believe that interacting with strangers would surely leave an everlasting impact on you.  Frankly speaking, everyone has a story to tell and these stories unconsciously inspire us in some way or other. That same happens with me.

This event was from 2pm to 7pm. I reached over there around 3:07 pm.  I was really astonished to see such a long queue in spite of having a IND-Pak Match on that very day. I stood there for almost more than half an hour. But since that place Innov8, C.P has some space constraints, the management unexpectedly decided to allot the last few hours to manage the crowd. I got 630 pm slot and it just made me mad as I can’t wait for 2 and a half hours. Then I requested to one of the manager over there to allow me entering there. Fortunately, there was a space for two people. I remembered there was this girl just standing next to me seemed to be restless. But we both got a chance to enter in. I can’t express we both just feel connected and got so ecstatic about this.

It was on the second floor. so we both have chosen Himalayan conservationist named Gaurav Sharma. We were a group of 5 people from different arenas each narrating their stories. Here I embarked my journey with some inspirational stories. Gaurav sharma narrated that we humans are just destroying our peaceful nature in the name of so called development. This urbanisation, callous attitude of tourists towards locals just put these fragile places into danger. Now a days, people actually don’t know how to behave in such areas.  So, it’s high time that as a responsible citizen, we start contributing towards nature. The best way, it could be is to make it familiar new technologies with locals or teaching them. Spend as much time with locals to have a better understanding of that particular place. Do some volunteer drives to enrich your souls. So, in this way, one would be a traveller not just a tourist.

After this, one of the volunteer told me you are allowed to attend only one session. I got a bit disheartened but this girl Anjana told me just hold on. She convinced others that if there is no vacant space, we will leave. That worked actually. So I attended another session- I am not a victim but a fighter. There this person Prashant Singh talked about how he was bullied verbally and physically from his fellow mates. He brought up in Maharashtra where 99.9% community is Marathi. Others were extremely racist towards him as he belonged to north India. He was hit blue and black once. On that very day, he decided he would never going to tolerate this any more. So to cut it short, he joined self-defence training named Cramaga in Delhi to become physically and mentally strong. His determination and will power made him now stronger and confident as never before. He came out of depression at such a young age and found like a warrior. I would say this was a true spirit.

Amidst all of this, Anjana told she was sexually abused by his own maternal grandfather but she couldn’t reveal to anyone as it would hurt her mother’s feelings. On top of that, she was merely 9 years old. Hard to believe though.

Then luckily, I went on to attend one more session- tea seller and author.  64 year old man Laxman rao has written 25 books in his span of career.  I salute to the spirit and passion of this young man as in spite of all odds, he keeps on writing and balancing both work and family so well. It is truly said; age is just a number.  He completed his graduation at the age of 50 and last year he has done masters. Whooah. Isn’t it amazing?

To sustain his livelihood and to know good amount of stories, this author sells tea as well.

I must say, it was truly inspiring for me.

Then lastly, I went on to meet the differently abled person Rajiv who writes poems, Nazam, Ghazals and a good singer too. He is passionate about life and believes in himself and hardwork. He is an epitome of perseverance and grit which is hard to find in this world. In spite of being blind, he was happy with his state and just working on himself. There, I also got a chance to talk about my blogging and shared my first poem.  Unexpectedly, people actually appreciated that and it was a bit overwhelming as this was my first live audience. This turned out so well.

So all in all, it was a great event – galvanizing and enriching for me.

Looking forward to this.

Good luck.

stay tuned

 

 

 

what else I can ask for ?

 

I found myself in adventurous trips with my friends

Basking in the rays of the sun

Trying to explore my inhibitions, fears or strength

Resulting in adrenaline rush

All this just fill my heart with zeal and fervour

I just don’t wanna go back

Words fall short expressing this sort of feeling

Carefree, curious like a little kid, just being impulsive

Drive me insane

As

Laughter and smile can cure anything

Enchanting landscapes

Dancing under the stars

Walking in the woods

And smirking a cup of coffee

To name a few

Capturing all these breath-taking moments from my eyes

What else can I ask for?

Laying back on the grass

Gazing at the sky quietly

Calming my gypsy soul altogether

What else can I ask for?

 

 

DIE NATUR- die wahre Liebe

 

Die heutige Welt setzt sich mit vielen Herausforderungen auseinander. Auf der ganzen Welt werden zahlreiche unschuldige Menschen ermodert und kaum werden Rücksicht auf die Natur genommen, obwohl wir ausgebildet sind. Wir streben immer Entwicklung  auf Kosten der Umwelt an, sodass die Temperatur drastisch steigt. Hinzu kommt, Gletscher schmelzen und Meeresspiegel nehmen zu.  Jetzt kommt die wesentliche Frage vor- welche Verantwortung sollen wir  zum Umweltschutz tragen?

Albert Schweitzer hat richtig gesagt, dass der Naturfreund derjenige ist, der sich mit allem, was in der Natur lebt, innerlich verbunden weiβ, an dem Schicksal der Geschӧpfe teilnimmt, ihnen, soviel er kann, aus Leid und Not hilft, und es nach Mӧglichkeit vermeidet, Leben zu schӓdigen oder zu vernichten. Es heiβt auch treffend- ,,Es ist nie zu spӓt.’’ Mit guter Absicht kann man alles erreichen. Es steht auβer Zweifel, wie wichtig die Natur ist.  Natur unterrichtet uns die wahre und selbstlose Liebe. Dieses Lernen kann man von Schultagen erwerben, in der die Schüler lernen, verantwortungsbewusste Bürger zu werden. Hier sind die Schule und Eltern von entscheidender Bedeutung. Durch innovative und umweltschonende Wege des Lebens kӧnnen die Kinder viele Sachen lernen wie z.B Abfallmanagement, Wiederverwertung der Sachen u.s.w. jeder muss handeln. Wir kӧnnen unsere Augen davor nicht verschlieβen. Solche Programme wie Vanmahotsav, wenig Wert auf Konsum sollten gefӧrdert werden. Darüber hinaus gibt es viel von der Natur zu lernen wie z.B die Natur bietet eine grenzenlosen Raum an, der die Freiheit schildert.  Auf diese Art und Weise hat der Mensch auch frei  und soll der Stimme seines Herzens folgen. Wir dürfen nicht vergessen, dass das Gott uns mit spezieller Qualitӓt schafft. Die Natur gibt uns genug Raum, selbst und originell zu sein. Wir sind frei geboren und deswegen sollen wir nur unser Herz folgen, da diese Welt schon erfolgreiche Menschen haben. Was fehlt? Diejenigen, die sich um die Natur kümmern und inneres Gewissen hӧren. Diese Originalitӓt scheitert niemals, denn es braucht nicht, vorzugeben. Zum Schluss vertrete ich den Standpunkt, dass die gegenwӓrtige Generation ein Vorbild für die nachfolgende Generation sein wӓre.

Dafür finden Sie ein Gedicht dabei.

Die Natur – die wahre Liebe

Wir arbeiten rund um die Uhr

Stӓndig vor dem Computer zu sitzen

Stehen immer unter Zeitdruck

Kaum Zeit für sich selbst

Unsere Seele ist verletzt und gebrochen

Haben Sehnsucht nach etwas Reales

Ṻberall ist die Ausbeutung der natürlichen Ressourcen

Der gegenwӓrtige Ausblick- Terrorismus, Korruption, Zerstӧrung der Natur

Noch schlechter

Unser moderner Lebensstil ist daran schuldig

Die heutige Gesellschaft fokussiert immer mehr auf das Konsum

Immer mehr kaufen wir aktuelle Gerӓte

Trotzdem fehlen innere Ruhe und Zufriedenheit

Seit der Kindheit ist unser Ziel,

Mehr Geld zu verdienen, statt einen Beitrag zur Umwelt zu leisten

Leben für Familie und die Anderen

Erfüllen die Erwartungen von Anderen

Das scheint uns wie ein groβer Erfolg, oder?

Aber plӧtzlich verӓndert sich alles

Die Reise bringt eine neue Weltanschaung zum Leben

Grenzenlose Blau des Himmels zieht mich in Bann

Spaziergang tut mir wirklich gut

Rocky Mountains zeigt uns, stӓrker und mutig zu sein.

Vӧgelzwitscher und Zauberwald machen mir lebendig wie nie zuvor

Das führt zum Adrenalinrausch

Diese eindrücklichen Erfahrungen werden gesammelt

Wenn wir Herz gebrochen sind,

hilft die Meeresstiefe uns die Sorgen oder Probleme vergessen

wenn wir durcheinander sind,

erforsche ich mich durch Meditation selbst

Wenn unser Gehirn sich mit negativen Denkweisen verwirrt,

Werden gute Eigenschaften wie Geduld und Entschlossenheit erlernt

So geht man im Leben immer weiter

Am besten wird das Vertrauen in Menschheit und Liebe zurückgewinnen

Die Natur ist Geber, der ohne Erwartungen ihre Arbeit macht

Aber

Die Natur kӧnnte zerstӧrend sein, wenn sie gestӧrt wird

Ohne Mensch bleibt immer noch die Natur

Alles wird in Wasser tauchen

Wozu besitzt man Egoismus, Selbstsüchtigkeit und Gier?

Die Welt hat schon erfolgreiche Menschen

Verbringen Sie Zeit mit der Natur und folgen Sie Ihrem Herzen

Das Leben wӓre schӧner, lebensbereichernd und lebenswert

Das ist mӧglich,

Wenn wir im Einklang mit der Natur leben

Die Welt benӧtigt jetzt edle Seele zur nachhaltigen Entwicklung

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

loving a real person

 

Inspired  by one of the character of American series, I am writing about aftermaths of not loving a real person.

I am proud of who I am. I can make people laugh with my sheer presence and just bring out the best in them. I totally agree I have some trust issues. I cannot simply swoon at the sight of someone or their personality. That’s why I make sure that I offer also something else than just being beautiful. As I know, there would be plethora of beautiful women all around but kind and gentle souls are hard to find now in this world. This is what I presume.  Earlier, I used to have entourage of friends but now I am having only few real friends who love me and care for me without any motive. This fills my heart with gratitude. So even though, I am in talking terms with you. It doesn’t mean I trust you as I don’t want to give up on people so easily. I don’t want to be judgemental. So may be, sooner or later, you realize that such a valuable possession you are having.  But yes, time is of paramount importance to me so if I am investing my time in you, you should be worth it. So stay loyal and committed to me. I don’t easily get flatter with expensive gifts or dreams. I believe in reality and passion to make something happen. If I love you ever, then just stay and be consistent. For me, love is never casual.  It needs to be done with care, honesty and compassion.  If I ever get into any relationship into you, you will always find me by your side.  I never let you down as we too will see the world with a different perspective and make our lives enriching and worth-remembering. You have never tasted this love like ever before. It will just made you berserk and I bet you will love every inch of it.  If I love you, I will turn your heart into gold and your dreams would equally become mine. I never let my guard down, until and unless you made me convinced that I see the future with you. You are real, weirdo and proud of your imperfections. we respect and value each other.

But before being my lover, you need to be my friend first then I always seek companionship than relationship. I will do every possible thing to be just with you. But the moment I feel something hampers my self-respect and efforts.  I am sorry I will walk away. you need to know I don’t put efforts for every second person. If I remember something, then you mean special to me.

I am convinced that you will be emotionally wrecked. Getting a person like me who loves you like anything would only add woes to you. You try to find a person like me in others but unfortunately you just can’t. as my love is pure and genuine. There is no ifs and buts. It craves your attention and loyalty as I can finance myself and look after myself very well. I am sure there won’t be a single day in which you don’t think of me. I will leave such kind of impression that your demons would seek me and can never get off me. Then you regret of losing me in searching out something short-lived. Your world will never be same again.

If love is not mutual, it’s never worth it. So, one should never be in a hurry in case of love. It needs to be felt rather than just being oblivious to that.

 

 

 

 

kaisa sa hai yeh sitam

Mere mohsin

Kaha chup gaye ho?

Dil par jabr kia

Tumko bhulko jao main

Koshish kari par har jagah

Dil aur dimag par tum chahe hue ho

Dil ka gharaunda mein umang

Dekar chal diye

Badi guftugu karni thi apsi

Aap toh yuhi chal diye

Hum bure the

Bewafa toh nahi

Hum naraz the

Khafa toh nahi

Hum laparwaah the

Bewkuf toh nahi

Laboh par tera sirf zekar tha

Par teri nigahe toh kuch aur dhundi the

Meri justugu tuje dhundti thi

Par tu toh kaam par mashroof rehta tha

Yeh na-rasai samar na paye

Sitam na kar meri jeete je jaan le kar

 

 

Sundar sa sapna dekha kar chal diye